Mar
6
Leaving Florida
Filed Under Florida is Great | 2 Comments
In less than 24 hours I will be leaving FLA for the arctic north that is Huntsville, AL.
Everything north of the Florida state line is “up north” to me.
So, I’ll be missing and not missing a bunch of things. Of course, friends and family top that list, Florida bloggers included. The coolest thing is meeting truly talented people with a lot of the same interests, like sweet asses and nice racks.
Anyway, here’s a list of some other things I’m going to miss about Florida:
- Disney and the Orlando theme parks are a $300 day trip rather than a $2,000 vacation.
- Watching the sun set over the Gulf of Mexico from Pine Island.
- The coolest town on the east coast, St. Augustine.
- The coolest island in Florida, Amelia Island.
Here’s a list of things I won’t miss:
- South Florida. Really people, y’all should quit calling yourselves Floridians. ‘cept for Key West, the awesomest place I’ve ever been. You guys are ok.
- Planning and zoning commissions more interested in maximizing property tax revenues today rather than smart planning for things like water, roads, and schools.
- A governor with orange skin. WTF?
- All of the canadians down for winter vacations. Effin’ canadians. They’ll drive 2000 miles just to get a decent steak.
So yeah, I’ve got mixed feelings.
Nov
30
Fab wrote a post about his regrets that brought back memories.
Many moons ago when I was a just an innocent lad, my friends and I decided to go camping in the Keys during Spring Break. Purely for the fishing, of course.
We hooked up a pop-up camper to my pickup, tied a canoe on top of the damper, and headed down the Florida Turnpike looking like the 1989 version of the Beverly Hillbillies. We made it in to Key West each night for a few hours of fellowship with other lonely tourists far from home. While enjoying a cool beverage at the world famous Sloppy Joe’s one evening, there was a stage show involving some nice young single mothers. Unfortunately, the young ladies managed to get their t-shirts wet during their dance performance. Of course, we cheered enthusiastically despite the mistakes, because we make a point of supporting single mothers whenever possible.
Once the nice young ladies came off the stage, one of my traveling companions decided to ask one of the nice young ladies to dance, hoping to cheer her up after error with the wet t-shirts. He did not realize, however, that her paramour was also in attendance, an older gentleman that must have been a salesman for Harley Davidson, given the number of Harley Davidson logos on his clothing. The paramour was a disagreeable sort, not willing to accept that my friend made an understandable error, and he shoved my friend down in the middle of the dance floor.
Of course, I rushed to aid my friend and clear up the misunderstanding. I raised my hand to show that I was no threat, but my elbow went backwards instead of vertical, for some reason. Unfortunately, my friend was just then picking himself up off the floor, and his face met my elbow with considerable force.
At this point in time, security personnel hired by Sloppy Joe’s had arrived and saw only that my friend was knocked down by my elbow. Sixe very large gentleman escorted me from the establishment, not even permitting my feet to touch the ground. When we reached the door, their collective grips must have slipped because I found myself face-down on the sidewalk on Duval Street.
Staring at a pair of shiny black shoes. On the feet of a Key West Police Officer.
The officer would not listen to my pleas to enter the establishment and arrest the paramour who assaulted my friend. Instead, he warned me to leave the city immediately. I believe he must have been friends with disagreeable paramour, otherwise why would he have not done his duty as a peace officer?
As my traveling companions exited the establishment, we decided it was time to return to our camper. As we turned the corner of the establishment, we found a number of Harley Davidson motorcycles abandoned in a neat row along the side of the street. Since they were abandoned, we decided to salvage parts from the engines, specifically the distributor wires.
A profitable evening after all.
Nov
19
Vacation rental homes in Florida (and other places too!): Easy money
Filed Under Uncategorized | Leave a Comment
I have written before about my parents’ having a vacation home in North Carolina. They’re at a point in their lives where they are trying to decide if they are going to keep it or sell it due to retirement and health problems - they just can’t get away as much as they hoped.
I say, why not do both? Keep it AND sell it - or, rent it for a bit, that is. Did you know that you can list your vacation rental and reach 25 million travelers? They bought their North Carolina mountain vacation home many years ago and are fortunate enough to have a mortgage payment of $400, give or take. Do you realize what 2 bedroom mountain vacation rental cabins go for?
About $2,400 per month.
They’re leaving a lot of money on the table, aren’t they? When you advertise your vacation home rental, you get access to a worldwide market, the same way a hotel would. You can list on 4 vacation rental websites for one price and centrally manage your inquiries and listing,
ensuring you reach the maximum audience with your vacation home.
The Florida vacation rental market is especially attractive thanks to the abundance of attractions in this state. Disney World, Sea World, Universal Studios, and the rest that Orlando has to offer create built-in demand for Orlando and Disney vacation rentals. While the rent you charge as a homeowner will easily cover your mortgage AND provide a generous profit, in most cases it will be cheaper than hotels for tourists. And with 0% commissions on vacation rentals bookings, you really can’t go wrong.
Maybe you have a beachfront vacation rental property in Destin or Panama City? Perhaps you’re a snowbird with a vacation rental in St. Petersburg or Ft. Lauderdale? You should give it some thought, and if you decide the extra money will come in handy, join the world’s largest vacation rental network with over 100,000 vacation rentals.
Nov
17
So, I had my Georgia post nearly done, so I’m posting it before I post my NC post - sue me!
Anyhoo, the Florida-Georgia rivalry extends well beyond the football field, and despite the classless display by those dastardly Bulldogs in Jacksonville, whupping up on our beloved Gators then rubbing it in their faces like that, it’s pretty well-established that Florida is better than Georgia.
For instance:
- Oranges taste better than peaches.
- Georgia - Six Flags; Florida - Disney, Epcot, Universal, etc.
- Georgia was settled as a penal colony. Therefore, all Georgians are criminals.
- Georgia sucks. How do you think Florida stays attached to the mainland.
- Parts of Florida have been ruled under 7 flags. Parts of Georgia have been ruled under 6 flags. Therefore, Florida is more desirable.
- When you go to flickr.com and type in the search “sexy florida woman” you get this:
- When you go to flickr.com and type in the search “sexy Georgia woman” you get this:
More "7 Reasons Florida is Better Than Everywhere" Posts
Nov
12
So, I’m thinking of starting a series of posts about why Florida is the best place in all of America. Today, I’ll start with a plce I know well from having spent a couple of formative years living there, New Hampshire. Without further ado, 7 Reasons Why Florida is Better Than New Hampshire:
- In Florida, if winter falls on a weekend, we have a festival. In NH, if summer falls on a weekend, they have a picnic.
- Floridians can swim comfortably year-round thanks to our swimming pools, beaches, and natural springs.
- If you don’t like the weather in Florida, wait 15 minutes and it will change. If you don’t like the weather in NH, wait 15 days.
- It is sufficient to say something is “Awesome” in Florida. We do not require “Wicked” to describe how awesome something is.
- Floridians don’t have to buy their booze from the state.
- Floridians have Key West (and Miami, and Ft. Lauderdale, and Palm Beach, and Clearwater, and Tampa, and St. Petersburg, and Jacksonville, and you get the picture). NH has Mt. Washington, home to the worst weather in the continental US.
- Today’s temperature in Jacksonville, FL: 74 degrees. Today’s temperature in Derry, NH: 45 degrees.
More "7 Reasons Florida is Better Than Everywhere" Posts
- 7 Reasons Florida is Better Than New Hampshire
- 7 Reasons Florida is Better Than Georgia
- 7 Reasons Florida is Better Than North Carolina
- 7 Reasons Florida is Better Than South Carolina
- 7 Reasons Florida is Better Than Texas
Oct
3
Only in FLA: Key West election decided by pulling name out of hat
Filed Under Florida Government, Humor, Key West, Only in FLA | Leave a Comment
Shades of 2000: Key West election decided by pulling name out of hat
But, the funniest part?
Harry Sawyer, Monroe County’s supervisor of elections, says the same hat was used to break a tie in 1985 on a decision to purchase a county fire truck.
If only that hat could talk…
Jul
23
Only in FLA: Hemingway look-a-like contest
Filed Under Humor, Key West | 4 Comments
Papa Lives! **
A Floridian took home the grand prize at the Hemingway Days Hemingway Look-A-Like Contest over the weekend. The event was held at Sloppy Joe’s in Key West, a Key West institution famous for the fact that I was once thrown out bodily into Duval Street by six bouncers.
Also, Ernest Hemingway used to drink there, so there’s that too.
**Funny story: While living in Gainesville during college in 198… well, too long ago, my roommate was a buddy from home who looked like a 5′11″ Ah-nold. I’m told women considered him very attractive. I wouldn’t know, what with being straight and all. Anyway, he was approached at the Florida Bookstore but a man claiming to be the photographer for the “Men of Florida” calendar and asked if he’d like to take some test shots. Might have been the muscle shirt and Daisy Dukes he was wearing. He agreed, and even accepted a ride home from the photog, where I found them engaged in a deep conversation in the guy’s car when I came home from class. I may have the most finely-tuned gaydar on the planet for a straight-guy, and I knew immediately what was happening. My buddy went over that evening to do his shots, after being warned that he was being set up, and returned an hour later VERY angry and VERY embarassed.
He told me it started with some innocuous head shots, then progressed into shirtless shots, then he was asked to get in a sauna and get sweaty. When he came out, the guy started posing him and let his hands wander a bit. Meh.
So, my buddy shoves him and heads for the door, with the photog trying to apologize and convince him to come back. He hopped into his 1964 red Ford Galaxy (the coolest car in Gainesville at the time, IMO), revved the engine, flipped the bird, and shouted at the top of his lungs,
“Papa Lives!”
Yeah, a long way to go for such little payoff, but thanks for reading. Sorry, I can never see or here anything about Hemingway without that story popping into my brain.
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