My 9-year old yells across the room, “You would so lose THAT!”. To me. The guy that took her to not one, not two, but 3 Father-Daughter Dances.

I didn’t miss a beat.

“You’re right, honey, because I’d have never started the race. I s’pose that means I don’t love you as much as those other Dads love their little girls.”

Since I am a veteran of these events and a born people watcher, I will go out on a limb and say I’m the world’s foremost authority on a father’s role at a Father-Daughter dance. It’s the season for them and, as such, I thought I’d offer up a survival guide to the father’s out there that may be preparing to attend their first, and don’t know what to expect:

1. The most important rule is to leave your man-card at home. No one else is bringing theirs.

2. The songs you’re permitted to dance to change with your daughter’s age:

• For girls 7 and under, you will dance to anything and everything. They will wear your ass out and expect you to keep going.
• For girls 8-12, you may dance the following songs: Macarena, Electric Slide, Cha-Cha Boogaloo, and the Chicken Dance, along with ONE (1) slow dance. You are never under any circumstances permitted to dance to Hannah Montana. You’ll want to. Don’t do it. Did I mention leaving your man-card at home?
• It’s rare to see girls 13 and up at Father-Daughter dances as attendees, but they expect to dance all the slow songs.

3. Do not expect to be introduced to your daughter’s friends, and expect to introduce yourself to other fathers. Your wife isn’t there to do it for you.

4. This is NOT a dinner party, nor a night out with the boys. Only douchebags ignore their daughters the way they ignore their wives. The only cell call you’re permitted to answer is from your wife.

5. No one is too cool to dance. Remember, no man-card?

6. If the organizers offer tickets in advance, buy them. This is how I wound up counting one dance as 1/2. You’ll feel like a shit when you’re turned away at the door because they exceeded the occupancy allowed by fire code. Your daughter WILL NOT forgive you.

7. There will be finger foods and cookies. You are not permitted to deny your daughter any of it.

8. Your daughter is dressed up, you need to do the same. The outfit you wear to Bennigan’s isn’t going to cut it. Sport coat and tie, and you might want to think about getting that hair cut. Don’t worry, everyone sheds the coat right after the picture.

9. If the room isn’t hot and you can stand to leave the coat on, consider waiting until the line goes down to take that picture.

10. Your daughter can not be bribed into leaving with ice cream or milkshakes, but will expect you to make good on the offer on the way home anyway.

It’s just a couple hours out of your life, so suck it up and have a good time.