My wishes

June 14, 2008 by Tim
Filed under: Family 

Ok, sorry for this dark post on a Saturday, but my wife is making me put it in writing because she thinks people might not agree if she does what I want. I’m not normally bothered by celebrity deaths, but Tim Russert’s is really hitting me hard for some reason. Making me think of my own mortality. So, here’s what I want everyone to know if I die while you’re still alive. I want 3 things:

1. An Irish wake. No tears, please. It’s not about you, it’s about me. My mother is the only person that ever cried for me while I was alive, so don’t bother crying for when I’m dead.

2. I want to be cremated. I hate the idea of worms and maggots and roaches crawling through my nether regions.

3. I want my ashes spread at Pine Island at sunset, right as Sol touches the horizon. There’s a couple Pine Islands in Florida so to clarify: Hernando County’s Pine Island. Grill a couple burgers and franks while you’re waiting. No practical jokes with the charcoal ashes, please. The wind blows in from the water as the sun goes down, so anyone who goes with Stacey and the girls should stand off to the side or you’ll be carrying a little bit of me with you until your next shower. You don’t want this to happen:

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Comments

5 Comments on My wishes

  1. Mike on Sat, 14th Jun 2008 12:06 pm

    2. Delete this if you want to:

    1. Be assured I’ll be leading the drinking games at your wake. I’ll even spring for the Hard-hat, dual can, beer helmet and the No Fat Chix T-Shirt! However, we ARE Irish, and everyone knows that drunken Irishmen cry after the tenth beer, so you may not get the complete wish. Also, the self pitying “No one ever cried for me when I was alive” bullshit….. not true.

    2. I’m no expert regarding Catholicism, but are we allowed to be cremated? I agree, it is cheap and easy on everyone, but when the Rapture occurs, are you content with me carrying your burnt-ass to every heavenly Bar-B-Q (note how I capitalize Bar-B-Q and not heavenly) and then making the requisite ashes to ashes jokes while I’m slow cooking a pork shoulder?

    3. Seriously? Pine Island? Really? Just a little food for thought here… How about I take your ashes on a tour: We’ll begin with a trip to Sunrise, FL and catch a baseball game, work our way down to the keys and fish for an afternoon, hopskotch across Alligator Alley and smell the water in Punta Gorda. After clearing my sulfur infused nostrils, I’ll head North to McKethan Lake and jog your toasty innards around the boggy basin of gator infested loveliness. A quick shot across 50 to the Fox Hole and some luke warm Old Milwaukee would certainly appear appropriate at that juncture. I’ll be sure to spring for the 3 for $45 Late Night Special from the Skankiest Stripper (again, note the capitalizing of Skanky and Stripper) and tell her to give me the “Tim” special as I am in mourning… When I return your ashes to your family I’ll gladly tell the kids about your life and the lessons you taught me!

    A serious note: Only you can control your dying young. Lose 150 pounds and give yourself a fighting chance to walk your daughters down the aisle, hold your grandkids and grow old.

  2. Sis on Sat, 14th Jun 2008 12:29 pm

    3. 1. Stop feeling sorry for yourself – there is no reason to cry for you at all. You are very fortunate because you’ve had a loving and supportive family. Try becoming a Guardian ad Litem and see what others go through and you’ll know how lucky you are.

    2.Yes, the Catholic church allows cremation. I on the other hand HATE the heat and wish to be put in the cold ground in Chicago.

    3. I believe our Church says you are supposed to bury ashes, not spread them, but in today’s day and age with everything else going on, it’s probably not important.

    And on another serious note, I agree with Mike. I just found out I’m diabetic and am trying to lose weight – you need to do this, too.

  3. italy30 on Mon, 23rd Jun 2008 5:15 pm

    4. i love header of your blog.

  4. Julie Madsen on Wed, 2nd Jul 2008 4:25 am

    5. Wait til you see a falling star, then you will ahev your wishes come through :-)
    Good luck….

  5. Leaving this world the way you lived in it | Florida Sun Dog (In Exile!) on Thu, 18th Sep 2008 1:03 am

    6. [...] few months ago I wrote about what my wishes were in the event of my untimely death. My wife made me write it because she knew members of my family might have trouble with some of it, [...]

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