Dec
31
We had a great day today. Your sixth birthday, and 18 little princesses showed up!
But the best part for me occurred this morning, when it was just the two of us talking about what it means to be six years old. I tried to convince you that you are now a “Big Girl”, but you’re having none of that. You still want to be Daddy’s Little Girl, and I love you for it. When we hugged, you made me feel so special, and when you said out loud “I love my daddy”, I was so happy that I forgot how bad this cold has me feeling and raced around helping your Mommy do all those last-minute chores before the 18 princesses showed up.
Now, it’s 10:30 p.m., and you and your older sister are in the family room, trying valiantly to stay awake to see the New Year. And I am remembering what it was like on this night, six years ago.
We had a choice of when you could be born. Your Mommy was not in the best health, and the doctor knew ahead of time that he would have to do an operation to get you out of her belly. You were supposed to be born on January 9, but we talked about it and thought you might enjoy having your birthday on New Year’s Eve when you were older, so your birthday would always be a big event with all of your friends and family spending it with YOU.
Your future husband may hate us for that decision, but I know I’ll hate him for taking you away from me, so you can tell him I don’t really care what he thinks and he BETTER give you the birthdays you want.
When you came out of Mommy’s belly, it was really scary. Something happened with Mommy’s medicine, and she was able to feel the doctors’ cutting some of her insides. By then, it was too late and they had to keep to keep going. I remember looking around the operating room and seeing the eyes of the nurses above their masks. There seemed to be extra nurses, all there to do different jobs afterwards to take care of you and Mommy. All of their eyes were wide, and none of them were talking; I’m not even sure they were breathing. I looked at the nurse that was responsible for Mommy’s medicine, but she wouldn’t look at me. The doctor tried to tilt the table Mommy was laying on, to get the medicine to flow to the right places.
It didn’t work. Mommy cried a lot, but she never moved because she knew it wouldn’t be safe. She was very brave.
After you were out, I was told to go with you until the doctors fixed Mommy and moved her to your room. She was much better when I saw her a little while afterward. While waiting for them to bring her to her room, I brought our family up to the nursery to see you through the window. I held you up and you started crying really loud and got all red and angry, and your older sister got very scared and started crying because she thought you would be a sleeping like her little dolls. Soon, you slept a bunch.
Mommy says now that she thinks you weren’t “finished cooking” when we took you out. You slept and slept all day, and you wouldn’t wake up to drink anything. The doctors grew worried, and the nurses began checking you very frequently. They finally told us they were worried about something called “failure to thrive”, which basically means you didn’t know you were supposed wake up and start drinking stuff. That evening, I went with you to a special nursery with special nurses, and you held my finger while they put a tube through your nose and down your throat so they could feed you.
The nurses were nice and didn’t ask me to leave. They let me feed you through your tube that night. I stayed with you that night, sitting in a rocking chair and watching you and thinking about everything and nothing. I learned a couple things that night. I learned about real fear. More important, I learned the nature of love.
I was so worried when your Mom and I talked about having a second child. I thought Love was something finite, and I was afraid to have my Love for my child divided by a second child. It wasn’t normal to think that way, and your Pop-Pop and Grandma never made me feel like I shared their love with my brothers. But, I was still scared for some reason. Sitting with you that night, I realized that Love is infinite. I was able to love you completely, and never loved your sister any less. Love fills everything between a father and his children, and keeps pouring forth without end like water down a waterfall.
There are some men out there that have something wrong with themselves, and they find ways to turn their love off and on, like the water in a garden hose. But, there are way more men that love like I do. While the love between you and I is unique and special, these men are also able to love their children completely in their own way. I know someday you will find a man like that is able to do this, because I can tell that you will only love that kind of man.
I’ll still hate him, though. Shhhh, it will be our secret.
I love you, honey.
Dec
28
Only in FLA: Baby Jesus loves GPS
Filed Under Only in FLA | 2 Comments
First we had the crazy old lady filing charges against her tangerine-stealing neighbor. Now, GPS equipped baby Jesus foils thief
Dec
27
Dec
26
“As long as people will accept crap, it will be financially profitable to dispense it.”
– Dick Cavett
I’d just like to take a moment to thank everyone that has stopped by to read this blog. When I resurrected this puppy back in April, I had no idea that it would be read by so many. So, thanks to you, and especially thanks to those of you that leave comments and link to this site.
——————–
Christmas has come and gone and we’re no worse for wear. The kids are happy despite the fact that we cut back again this year. I have a funny story about a gift I received that I’ll probably tell tomorrow, because I HAVE to take a picture first.
——————–
Dec
21
Coming Soon: American Idol - The MILF Edition (or, “Is Jessica Sierra pregnant?”)
Filed Under Florida Crime | 3 Comments
Man, I’ve got to be careful how I word these things. But, local news websites, Fox News, and TMZ are all reporting that sweet l’il Jessica is on a pregnancy diet between bars. Daddy is supposed to be a rapper.
I half expected it to be a cop. But, I guess you can’t get preggers from oral sex, despite what I might be telling my own girls in a couple years.
(Be sure to look for my upcoming book, “Sex Misinformation: How to Scare and Guilt Your Children Into Chastity”. Y’all.)
So, let’s see what this little one gets to look forward to in about 10 years when his/her Mom is chain-smoking Marlboros on the porch of her double-wide on Nebraska Avenue, assuming he/she manages to get online at the library or someplace that won’t filter news about his/her Mom:
- Multiple drug and alcohol arrests
- Mom offering to blow a cop to get out of jail
- Mom’s sex tape
- Mom preg-o in jail
Did I miss anything?
Oh yeah, she managed to make it to the American Idol finals. Nice. She peaked at 20 years of age.
More "Hot Women in Jail" Posts
- Oh, this is just too funny: Fallen Idol
- Jessica Sierra offers cop oral sex in exchange for release
- Debra Lafave arrested again; does not offer oral sex to cop in exchange for release
- Did Tampa teacher get sentenced to prison for sex with student because she’s a lesbian?
- That nice girl from American Idol, Jessica Sierra, has a sex tape. Allegedly.
- Coming Soon: American Idol - The MILF Edition (or, “Is Jessica Sierra pregnant?”)
- The Debra Lafave violation report is a punny thing
Dec
21
Fly to Florida
Filed Under Interesting | Leave a Comment
I regularly write about the attractions here in Florida: Disney, Sea World, Busch Gardens, Universal Studios. Did you realize that 3 of those attractions are located within a ten minute drive of each other, with Busch Gardens and our great Florida beaches on either coast only an hour away? You can fly into Orlando and enjoy about two weeks’ worth of theme parks and “sun & fun” without traveling more than an hour on any particular day.
For our friends in the UK looking for flights to USA, dialaflight.com has cheap flights and knowledgeable travel counselors. They’ll help you find the hotels, rental cars, and destinations that are right for you and your family.
And remember, there is no place in the USA better to visit than Florida!
Dec
20
Since I seem to be on a pattern of hitting the Southeast lately, and because I last went after North Carolina, South Carolina is our destination for today’s installment. To be perfectly honest, this post was MUCH easier to do than the Georgia, NC, and NH posts.
Without further ado, 7 Reasons Florida is Better Than South Carolina:
- Florida has 2 NFL teams and something that plays in the NFL but otherwise bears no resemblance to an NFL team down in Miami. South Carolina has none, and tries to co-opt North Carolina’s team by claiming it as their own because the team name does not distinguish between the Carolinas. This is weak.
- Daytona > Darlington
- Andy Dick is from South Carolina. The Fruitcake Lady is from Florida. The Fruitcake Lady > Andy Dick.
- Steve Spurrier coached the Florida Gators for 12 seasons and won 6 SEC championships and one national championship and never lost more than 4 games in a season. He won his first SEC championship with the Gators in his second season, and won the divisional title in his 3rd season. In 3 seasons at the University of South Carolina, he won zero SEC championships, and has lost at least 5 games every season.
- South Carolina outlawed Video poker in 2000. Florida raised the betting limits for real poker in Casinos in 2007. Real legal poker > illegal Video poker.
- EPCOT > Pedroland (South of the Border)
- “Don’t tase me bro!” > “I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because, uh, some, uh, people out there in our nation don’t have maps and, uh, I believe that our, uh, education like such as, uh, South Africa and, uh, the Iraq, everywhere like such as, and, I believe that they should, uh, our education over here in the U.S. should help the U.S., uh, or, uh, should help South Africa and should help the Iraq and the Asian countries…”
Update: Be sure to see the response from Jenn, a misguided South Carolinian.
More "7 Reasons Florida is Better Than Everywhere" Posts
- 7 Reasons Florida is Better Than New Hampshire
- 7 Reasons Florida is Better Than Georgia
- 7 Reasons Florida is Better Than North Carolina
- 7 Reasons Florida is Better Than South Carolina
- 7 Reasons Florida is Better Than Texas
Dec
19
Incompetency at Walmart.com
Filed Under Florida Business | Leave a Comment
Wow, a friend of mine and Florida blogger is getting screwed over by Walmart right before Christmas. She’s a single Mom and purchased a very expensive item for her kids through walmart.com, paid for expedited shipping, and now the item isn’t going to be here in time for Christmas. A sorry tale of customer service failure and incompetency.
Oh yeah, don’t believe Walmart when their website says something is in stock.
UPDATE
Here is the item on the walmart.com website, still being advertised as in-stock with shipping available by Christmas Eve:
Dec
18
Only in FLA: Get out of my yard
Filed Under Only in FLA | 3 Comments
It’s been a while since I had a “juicy” Only-in-FLA post, and today I have one courtesy of the last county I lived in, Hernando.
Hernando was basically a divided county for about 35 years, with the east side of the county consisting primarily of multi-generational Floridians and the west side consisting of “Yankees”. You didn’t actually have to be from up north to be considered a Yankee. The fact that you lived amongst them on the west side of the county was enough.
When I see stories like this one about a woman filing charges against her neighbor for stealing tangerines, I don’t even have to look to know where it took place.
I’ve had citrus trees. I didn’t mind people taking the fruit, because my trees always produced way more than my family would consume. I preferred people ask before they came in my yard, but in reality it saved me from having to go out there and clean up the dead fruit. Leaving dead fruit on the ground attracts rodents and ants.
My grandfather lived down near Punta Gorda and had about an acre of trees. He had a real problem with people coming in and stealing the fruit. He would actually harvest all the fruit and juice every bit of it. It was extremely rich in Vitamin C, and I used it regularly over the years to fight off colds. But, he never called the police on the trespassers, he’d just go out with his shovel and chase ‘em off.
Old people will kill for good citrus.
Dec
18
Hacking at Disney World
Filed Under Theme Parks | 2 Comments
I took the family to the petri dish that is Dismal Disney World last Friday. The thing that stood out on this visit was how many people were sick, and how many of these sick people did not cover up when they sneezed or coughed.
I think it was “Canadians-get-in-free” day. Those people are animals. Remember SARS?
Seriously though, there is no excuse for that. I’m no germ-o-phobe, but it was really out of hand. One guy literally sneezed in my face as I was walking past. Standing in a short line for a ride, another woman hacked up a lung right next to my kids. This wasn’t a surprise cough or anything, where she couldn’t get her arm up in time. It built. She knew it was coming.
The topper of the night was when I was in the restroom. It was late in the evening, just me, the janitor, and one other dude, taking a leak. No, this isn’t the start of a gay penthouse forum story. I’m just making the point that it was not busy. I finished my business, stepped to the sink and washed up. The other guy looked at the sink and I could see him make the decision, “Nah, I think I’ll skip washing this time”.
What the hell? I mean, it wasn’t like he just pissed and walked out. He stopped and THOUGHT ABOUT IT and walked out without washing.
Later today, or maybe tomorrow, I’ll have a bit more along the lines of a “Disney/Orlando tips” post, if I haven’t turned you off from going yet. But the first tip is: Bring anti-bacterial soap. And a surgical mask.
